Going to CU for 4 years meant that we have become familiar with several of the small liquor stores in Boulder, and even if they didn’t carry a lot of craft beers, we would always notice the Twisted Pine as we passed it over for our 30 rack of Keystone Light. So, on a weekday night, we decided to take a trip up to Boulder to go to the Twisted Pine Brewery
The taps are really cool- they're all made from Twisted Pine
We ended up getting there about an hour before closing, and besides the hillbilly party happening on the front patio, the place was deserted. After apologizing to the bartender for coming in so late and promising to be gone before it closed, we awkwardly took a seat at the table and ordered one of the larger samplers we’ve seen at a brewery.
What’s nice about the taproom is that not only are there generally specials going on most nights, but they also have a food menu. Sadly, there was no specials nor food the evening we were there (because it was so late). Dan looked like he was about to murder me and Lisa when our waitress informed us of the food situation, since the only reason he went was because we promised him a meal.
Instead, he had to settle for chips and salsa, which he ate as though his life depended on it.
Although, he's so skinny his life actually MAY have depended on it.
It was around this time what we realized he was wearing a Disneyland t-shirt.
The most magical place on Earth!
This led to a LONG discussion about Disney, if it’s fun to go as an adult (its not due to the fact that there would be children EVERYWHERE), and Lisa asking why anyone over the age of 5 would wear a Disney shirt.
“I have a Disney shirt. But I wear it when I’m not planning on getting laid,” I said. And then it got awkward AGAIN. (And it’s true. The shirt is a pink tank top with really thick shoulders and I look like a linebacker lesbian when I wear it).
(If you’ve already used the “I have a headache” card this week try putting on a shirt that reminds a man of children and you’re off the hook for sex. –Lisa)
After consoling Dan that he wasn’t going to get laid that night by anyone (which almost turned out not to be true), we encouraged Lisa to continue drinking. It was taking so long to finish the samples that I started to get bored.
- I hope there’s a coupon for a Disneyland vacation in here!
Since I couldn’t drink very much because I was driving, and Dan refused to touch the samplers after we drank from them because we have cooties, it fell on Lisa’s shoulders to take one for the team and finish the beers. We challenged her to finish them before closing (which was about 9 minutes away).
15 beers. 9 minutes. Very doable. I’ll never turn down a beer drinking challenge even if vomiting is imminent. – Lisa
This was true dedication
She almost made it, and finished a minute after 9.
We attempted to get a picture of the hillbilly party, but instead ended up with what would make a fantastic engagement picture
Then we left to go get real food, and were sexually harassed while waiting at a light by a car filled with unattractive people. The girl in the front who resembled a well-groomed horse kept hooting at Dan, the one in the back kept making crying noises like a baby and we all looked horrified, especially when the one male in their car suggested that we do a lady swap.
One gentleman and 3 unattractive ladies ≠ one gentleman and 2 attractive ladies.
NO swap was made despite their repeated efforts.
As soon as the light turned green, we sped off, only to be stuck at the following light next to them again. To this day, if anyone mentions Twisted Pine the response is, “Oh yeah! That was the night that Julia was a shitty driver and we almost got molested. 3 times.”
If ever a justification to run a red light with cameras, this was it. -Lisa
Now, for the beers.
Blonde Ale – Crisp, light taste
Lisa – 3 boobs
Julia – 4 boobs
RM Wheat – Tastes the same as the blonde but with a little more bite in aftertaste which overall doen’t make it a very good beer
Lisa – 2 boobs
Julia – 3 boobs
Raspberry Wheat – This ACTUALLY tastes like the fruit it says it does ( take note Fort Collins Brewery Pomegranate Wheat beer). This beer is pretty good for a fruit beer as long as you don’t have anything to compare it to. (Which, unfortunately we did because we’d been drinking Sea Dog Raspberry Wheat by the pool the previous weekend)
Julia and Lisa – 3 Boobs
American Amber – For an amber, this started off pretty good. It didn’t have that bitter, copper taste that ambers are known for. But it was a gyspy trick.
“I don’t hate it…. Oh wait. There’s the aftertaste”
Lisa – 4 boobs
Julia – 3 boobs
Hoppy Boy – This is the regular IPA of the brewery which would be ok had they not had their Hoppy Man Imperial IPA that was twice the beer that this one was. We’ll choose a man over a boy any day.
“That’s what happens when you get smarter. You like IPA’s”
Julia and Lisa – 2 boobs
Raspberry Espresso – This was a combination of their raspberry beer and also their expresso stout (hence, the name.) We were really excited about it, because who doesn’t love weird beer combinations? Unfortunately, the raspberry gets overpowered COMPLETLTY by the Espresso flavor.
Key takeaway from this beer: A brewery should try to refrain from combining two beers into one even if they are fantastic standalone beers.
Julia and Lisa – 1 boob
Honey Brown Ale – Nice. Smooth. Nutty and Brown.
Julia and Lisa – 3 boobs
Creamy Style Stout – This was a good beer. It was dark and smooth and just slipped down your throat. Unfortunately, I dislike beers that have the word “milk” or “cream” in their name. Something about the texture is unnerving.
Julia: “I don’t like stouts that are too smooth”.
Lisa: “Prepare to be terrified”
Julia – 2 boobs
Lisa – 4 boobs
Espresso Stout – Strong Black coffee taste. We still have out doubts that this was actually a beer or not. If we could start our mornings off with this beer, we would.
Julia – 3 and a side boob
Lisa – 4 boobs
Blueberry Blonde – This is like eating a blueberry muffin except better. Anything is better with alcohol, especially baked goods. But seriously, the blueberry flavor was robust and lingered. And not in a bad way.
Julia – 4 boobs
Lisa – 4 and a side boob
Billy’s Chilies – Taste like a green chili burrito however it smells like butter. Anyone that’s ever ventured outside of the 3 refrigerators at a liquor store that contain the staple beers has probably seen this beer and didn’t know it was from this brewery. It barely says the brewery name on the bottle, and doesn’t follow the branding scheme but it worth trying if you’re in a daring mood. We also don’t recommend a 6-pack of these unless you have 5 friends to share them with or you are truly a Mexican that is sustained by spicy chili products.
3 and a side boob (mostly for creativity)
Imperial Porter – AMAZING. So much alcohol but tastes like chocolate ice cream. 10.5%
Dark bitter taste. Thick like you could make pudding out of it. And who doesn’t <3 pudding?
Barelywine (Thunderstruck) – Sour, potent 9.5%
Julia – 2 boobs
The beer was named after an AC/DC song, so Lisa drank it in a rocker fashion.
Le Petit Saison – Stella glass. Everything we hate about hefferveisen beer.
Imperial IPA – Crown Jewel. Hoppy Man. Manly Strength. There should be a warning on this beer that it WILL dominate you.
Julia and Lisa – 4 boobs
Because we liked the Imperial IPA so much we wanted to have a represetative picture of the Hoppy Boy and the Hoppy Man.