For those of you generally quit reading within the first paragraph and don’t ever make it to the description of the beer, this isn’t the post to do that on. If anything, stop reading now and skip to the descriptions.
For those of you that just go for the boob/beer pic, you’re lucky enough to get TWO shots this time, so you might want to move on as well.
For the one reader we have remaining with the attention span longer than 47 seconds (who is probably either dating one of us or trying to) here’s the story with this brewery.
We visited Dry Dock Brewing Company after going to Crate and Barrel and picking out matching napkin holders. Actually it was Copper Kettle Brewing Company but the experience is pretty much the same. Needless to say, with no male tricked into driving us one of us had to drive (not me!) I was *forced* to drink almost all the beer so this brewery got a bit hazy for me and resulted in multiple instances of vomiting (You should pity her. Our nights generally end with me yelling “Drink! We don’t leave any beer behind!” She’s such a trooper. –Julia).
Most notably when driving up, this brewery had the douche of all douches at it. A Porsche (not even a very good one) was parked diagonally across two spots so that no one could park by his car and it would remain scratchless. Naturally, since we’re assholes (especially when we’ve been drinking a bit), this display of douchery was not going to fly. (Should we have shown more empathy because the poor man probably had a small penis? Maybe. –Julia)
After first parking CORRECTLY in the spot next to him we decided it would be MUCH more fitting to follow his lead and ensure that Julia’s Honda Civic also did not get any door dings.
As we parked, then backed out to repark to ensure that we were no more than 6 inches away from his precious Porsche, we noticed a man that must have been The Douche get up and stand in the window to stare at us intently. His face quickly twisted with anger when I hastily opened the door with no regard for what is certainly the only thing he has in his life worth anything.
If he hadn’t left before us I would have force vomited right next to his car just for funsies. Instead, he left before us and Julia’s car was left alone. Making it look like she was either a terrible lady driver, or a TOTAL baller. (I hope that this made people question what was so special about my car that I felt the need to park sideways. –Julia)
After waiting at the bar for an unreasonable amount of time we were finally given two pieces of paper with a drawing of a paddle to write the names of the beers we wanted for our samplers. Illiterate people should steer clear of this brewery as you will leave defeated and thirsty. They give you the beer on a paddle with holes in it for the beers to fit in which is clever since the whole theme of the brewery is nautical related. Which led to me exclaiming by the end of the evening, ”This brewery is wonderful! And makes me want to f*ck a sailor!”
They have glass windows so you can see into the whole brewing area and see what happened to be the unfortunate brewer that was there when we were.
Since they had a lot of beers we had to take breaks in between drinking.
Vomit break so I could keep drinking the rest of the beers (She politely and calmly excuses herself too. –Julia)
Vomit break with some champion rallying so I could finish all the beers
Checking out the hot bald bartender and trying to take a pic of him since a hot bald man is VERY rare.
There were a lot of beers to try so we had two paddles.
Breakwater Pale Ale- Not as bitter as most pales.
J & L- 2 boobs
HMS Victory ESB – We were worried it would be terrible since ESB stands for Extra Shitty Beer. It starts out good, but then the end wasn’t great. Very malty.
3 boobs- still awful, but better than other ESBs
U Boat Hefeweisen- Waves of disgusting. It took everything that we hate about these types of beer (banana and cloves) and somehow enhanced it.
MOOB. In fact, this beer was the Porsche of Moobs.
“Who likes the Germans, anyway? Except Matthew McConaghey. He’s hot and on a U-Boat.” (U571 reference)
Paragon Apricot Blonde - It smelled beautiful. The beer is light and delicious, and the apricot flavor tastes natural and overpowers your palate to just the right amount. As far as fruit beers goes this is a winner that even devout IPA drinkers (like myself) will admire.
4 AND A SIDE BOOBS
“I wish I knew what a paragon was. I want to have sex with it.”
HMS Old Ale - In general, we don’t like things that are old. That was just a phase. One that we realized wasn’t going to work out because either they tricked us into thinking they were fun but turned out to be 30 and boring, or that they wanted to have children and settle down and THAT certainly wasn’t going to happen. This beer tasted like raisins. Wrinkly old raisins.
Enterprise IPA- slightly hoppy. Not the best IPA, but nowhere near the worst.
Vanilla Porter- This beer BLEW OUR MINDS. It was like drinking vanilla extract. It was smooth and bursting with flavor.
4 AND A NIP SLIP
Double IPA - ??? We wrote nothing for this probably because we were both still speechless from the Orgasmic beer we had just had a small cat fight over who would get to finish it. (‘Why didn’t one of you just order that as another beer?’ you might be asking. I don’t know. Because. –Julia)
Belgian IPA- “I hate it. If I hadn’t just thrown up, I would have to now. It tastes like the swill of the Hefeweisen.”
Pilsner- this is another beer that was just there. Don’t know if we’re just getting too used to specialty beers that we can’t tell when we come a cross a really good one anymore.
2 and a side
“It’s a pilsner. It’s a waste of time and water.”
Daywalker Ginger- This wins for the best name of a beer. It smelled like a spa (in a good way). It wasn’t bubbly and looked like juice. The ginger taste is strong. Good beer to swipe our Firk-card. At least we thought, until we realized that it wasn’t the Firkin Beer (It was a letdown that only sad virgins who don’t want to admit they’re virgins and pretend that oral counts as swiping their v-card then are found out and mocked know) .
4 boobs. This beer will need to go head to head with the Mountain Sun ginger beer.
We learned a valuable lesson about secret pictures at this brewery being that if the flash goes off, its no longer a secret picture. Especially when you’re sitting by the full length window and think it’s hilarious that there’s a guy smoking on a table while middle-aged women flock around him.